Western Filament, Inc. "How To Catch A Mermaid"

How To Catch A Mermaid by Ed Zern

MY friend Bert Weather used to say, "Everybody talks about Mark Twain but nobody does anything about him."

That's the way it is with mermaids, too. Everybody talks about catching a mermaid, but hardly anybody actually catches one. That's because they don't know much about thim. This book will increase your knowledge of mermaids, and help you catch one.

And when word gets around that you have caught a mermaid, boy, you'll be famous. People will ask you for your autograph. Newspaper photographers will take your picture. Pretty girls will flirt with you. Psychiatrists will give you sanity tests. The Bureau of Internal Revenue will check all your income tax returns since 1951. You may even be electred president of the Happy Times Rod, Gun and Bung-Starter Club, instead of old Charley what's-his-name who always gets elected because he donated a stuffed sailfish to the club after his wife threatened to stab him with it unless he got rid of it. She would have, too, believe you me. (Charley had thought for a while about keeping the sailfish and giving his wife to the club, and even mentioned it to some of the members. They talked it over and decided she wouldn't look very good hung over the mantel in the club room. Or anywhere else, for that matter.)

You'll find many little-known facts about mermaids skillfully woven into the following pages, so read them carefully and you'll probably catch a mermaid next time you go fishing. If you don't, though, cheer up. You might not do too well on that sanity test.

- Ed Zern

ONCE there was a man named Wilmer B. Wipps, who wanted to catch a mermaid. So he went down the Angleworm & Fish, a sporting-goods store, and explained his problem to the clerk.

"What kind of mermaid did you want to catch, sir?" asked the clerk. "Gosh," said Wilmer, "you mean there's more than one kind?" "There are lots of kinds," said the clerk. "There are speckled mermaids, and walleyed mermaids, and smallmouth mermaids, and sockeye mermaids to name a few. There are also mermen, of course." "Is that so?" said Wilmer. "Do they ever, well, sort of get friendly, like, with mermaids?" "Certainly," said the clerk, "and when they do, it's called a merger. What kind of mermaid would you like to fish for?"

"Well," said Wilmer, "I think I'd like to catch a smallmouth mermaid. How do I go about it?"

"First of all," said the clerk, "you'll want a spinning rod, and a spinning reel, and some lures, and some 'W-40' Monofilament, the monofilament that's famous for its combination of high strength, low stretch and resistance to fatigue. Also-"

"Never mind that 'W-40' spiel," said Wilmer. "I already got some monofilament that's plenty good enough."

The next weekend Wipps hooked a mermaid on his spinning tackle, but the monofilament he was using wasn't famous for its combination of high strength, low stretch and resistance to fatigue - consequently it busted, and the mermaid got away.

Moral: People who use "W-40" Monofilament are smarter than Wipps.

ONCE there were two fly fishermen who went into a sporting-goods store. "What I want," said the first fisherman, "is a dry-fly line that will float all day, without dressing,"

"Brother," said the salesman, "you sure come to the right place! What you want is a 'W-40' Floating Fly Line. Man, it really floats! I remember one time an excursion boat loaded with women and children started to sink ninety feet from shore. I was on the bank with my fly rod and a 'W-40' Floating Fly Line. The Tufcoat finish on that line is so smooth it shoots right through the guides, and so I easily cast ninety feet to the sinking boat. Well, sir, every last man, woman and child tight-rope-walked to safety on that 'W-40' Floating Line - and some made several trips, to carry their belongings."

"Okay," said the first fisherman, "I'll take one."

"What I want," said the second fisherman, "is a line that sinks. One that will take a wet fly down to where the lunkers lay, and not take all day about it."

"Brother," said the salesman, "you sure come to the right place! What you want is the 'W-40" Sinking Fly Line. Man, it really sinks! I remember one time I was fishing from a boat, and the current was so strong the anchor started to drag, and I was rapidly being swept over the falls. Fortunately I had a 'W-40' Sinking Fly Line on my rod, and-"

"Okay," said the second fisherman, "I'll take one."

Then both fishermen went to a famous trout lake, rented rowboats and rowed out to the middle of the lake. While the first fisherman was putting his rod together a beautiful young mermaid popped up beside his boat. "Kiddo," she said, "I like your looks! Come on down and spend a few minutes with me and I'll give you a gunnysack full of pearls, and a lard pail full of gold nuggets. You'll be rich as Croesus! Just a few minutes - come on!"

"It's a deal!" said the first fisherman, and hopped over the side into the water. Unfortunately, though, he had the "W-40" Floating Fly Line in his pocket, and couldn't sink, and the mermaid, who thought he was stalling, called off the deal and swam away in a huff.

And when the second fisherman saw the first fisherman floundering in the water he thought he was in trouble, and jumped in to save him. Unfortunately, though, he had the new "W-40" Sinking Fly LIne in his pocket, and naturally he sank like a stone, and was never heard of again.

Moral: Sometimes you're better of without a "W-40" Fly Line.

ONCE there was a man named Gus, who was bait-casting in a lake and foul-hooked a mermaid. When he reeled in and saw what was on his plug, he was furious. "Beat it, sister," he hollered. "G'wan, scram! Can't a guy fish in peace without some dizzy fish-tail dame butting in? Take off!"

I can't, stupid," said the mermaid, "I'm hooked right in the - well, see for yourself." "Gosh," said Gus, blushing, "you sure are! Here, take my pliers." While the mermaid was unhooking herself, Gus said, "Don't you know no better than to fall for a bass plug, dopey?" "Sure I know better," said the mermaid, "but this one what chugging along without a line on it! When I swam over to investigate, I accidentally got hooked. How can you fish a plug without a line?"

"I got a line, blondie," said Gus, "but it's one of them 'W-40' Bait Casting Lines, with the new scientific camouflage color that makes it practically invisible to fish. Also, 'W-40' Bait Casting Lines are smaller-diameter than other lines of the same test, so they're less visible on that score, too. It's on account of Western's exclusive 'Hot Stretch' process that removes surpl - hey, come back with them pliers, toots!" "In a minute, mac," said the mermaid, and sure enough she was back in a minute with an armload of bass. "Here," she said, throwing a couple of dozen big bass into the boat, "this will make up for spoiling your fishing. So long!"

As the mermaid was disappearing into the depths of the lake a warden came buy, found the big mess of bass in Gus's boat and hauled him off to a magistrate, who fined him fifty dollars for exceeding the creel limit. When Gus explained about the mermaid the judge fined him another ten bucks for being drunk.

Moral: When you stop and think about it, maybe that guy Wipps wasn't so dumb.

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